Here’s the line-by-line paraphrase of Touchstone’s monologue:

Original: God ‘ild you, sir; I desire you of the like.
Modern: God reward you, sir; I wish you the same.

Original: I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, to swear, and to forswear, according as marriage binds and blood breaks.
Modern: I’m pushing in here, sir, among all the other country couples getting married, to make vows and break them, depending on whether marriage ties us down or passion makes us break free.

Original: A poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own: a poor humour of mine, sir, to take that no man else will.
Modern: She’s just a poor virgin, sir, not much to look at, sir, but she’s mine: it’s just my strange habit, sir, to take what no other man wants.

Original: Rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house, as your pearl in your foul oyster.
Modern: True virtue lives like a miser, sir, in a humble home, just like a beautiful pearl inside an ugly oyster shell.

Original: According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.
Modern: Just like they say about a fool’s arrow hitting its target, sir, and other such sweet problems.

Original: Upon a lie seven times removed:’bear your body more seeming, Audrey:’as thus, sir.
Modern: It was about an insult passed back and forth seven times: “stand up straighter, Audrey” - here’s how it went, sir.

Original: I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard: he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called ‘the retort courteous.’
Modern: I criticized how a certain courtier’s beard was trimmed: he sent word back that if I said his beard wasn’t cut well, he thought it was perfectly fine: this is called “the polite comeback.”

Original: If I sent him word again, it was not well cut, he would send me word, he cut it to please himself: this is called the ‘quip modest.’
Modern: If I told him again it wasn’t cut well, he’d send word back that he cut it to suit himself: this is called “the humble joke.”

Original: If again, it was not well cut, he disabled my judgment: this is called the ‘reply churlish.’
Modern: If I said again it wasn’t cut well, he’d question my judgment: this is called “the rude response.”

Original: If again, it was not well cut, he would answer, I spake not true: this is called the ‘reproof valiant:’
Modern: If I said again it wasn’t cut well, he’d say I wasn’t telling the truth: this is called “the brave correction.”

Original: if again, it was not well cut, he would say, I lie: this is called the ‘countercheck quarrelsome’: and so to the ‘lie circumstantial,’ and the ‘lie direct.’
Modern: If I said again it wasn’t cut well, he’d call me a liar: this is called “the quarrelsome challenge,” leading to “the indirect lie” and “the direct lie.”

Original: I durst go no further than the ‘lie circumstantial,’ nor he durst not give me the ‘lie direct;’ and so we measured swords and parted.
Modern: I didn’t dare go beyond “the indirect lie,” and he didn’t dare call me a direct liar; so we drew our swords, measured them, and went our separate ways.

Original: O sir, we quarrel in print; by the book, as you have books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
Modern: Oh sir, we argue by the rules, following the book, just like you have books about proper behavior: let me list the stages for you.

Original: The first, the ‘retort courteous;’ the second, the ‘quip modest;’ the third, the ‘reply churlish;’ the fourth, the ‘reproof valiant;’ the fifth, the ‘countercheck quarrelsome;’ the sixth, the ‘lie with circumstance;’ the seventh, the ‘lie direct.’
Modern: First, “the polite comeback;” second, “the humble joke;” third, “the rude response;” fourth, “the brave correction;” fifth, “the quarrelsome challenge;” sixth, “the indirect lie;” seventh, “the direct lie.”

Original: All these you may avoid but the lie direct; and you may avoid that too, with an ‘if.’
Modern: You can avoid all of these except the direct lie; and you can avoid that one too, with an “if.”

Original: I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel; but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an ‘if,’ as ‘If you said so, then I said so;’ and they shook hands and swore brothers.
Modern: I’ve seen times when seven judges couldn’t settle a fight; but when the two parties met face to face, one of them just thought of saying “if,” like “If you said that, then I said this;” and they shook hands and became like brothers.

Original: Your ‘if’ is the only peace-maker; much virtue in ‘if.’
Modern: That little word “if” is the only thing that makes peace; there’s great power in “if.”

In Act V, Scene 4 of “As You Like It,” the final scene brings together all the principal characters in the Forest of Arden for the resolution of the play’s various romantic entanglements. Rosalind, still disguised as Ganymede, promises to resolve everyone’s romantic difficulties through what she claims will be magic. She secures promises from Orlando that he will marry Rosalind if she appears, from Phoebe that she will marry Ganymede if possible but otherwise will marry Silvius, and from the Duke that he will allow his daughter to marry Orlando.

Rosalind then exits and returns as herself, accompanied by Celia (no longer disguised as Aliena) and Hymen, the god of marriage. The sudden appearance of Rosalind in her true form amazes everyone, and Hymen proceeds to perform multiple wedding ceremonies: Rosalind to Orlando, Celia to Oliver, Phoebe to Silvius (since Ganymede has vanished and revealed himself to be a woman), and Touchstone to Audrey. The scene concludes with the arrival of Jaques de Boys, who brings news that Duke Frederick has undergone a religious conversion and restored the dukedom to Duke Senior, allowing everyone to return from exile. The play ends with Duke Senior inviting all to celebrate the weddings with dancing and festivities.

As You Like It follows the story of Rosalind, daughter of the banished Duke Senior, who lives at court with her cousin Celia under the rule of the usurping Duke Frederick. When the young nobleman Orlando defeats the court wrestler Charles, Rosalind and Orlando fall instantly in love. However, Duke Frederick suddenly banishes Rosalind, fearing her popularity threatens his power. Celia chooses to flee with her beloved cousin, and together they escape to the Forest of Arden where Rosalind’s father lives in exile with his loyal followers.

To ensure their safety during their journey and life in the forest, Rosalind disguises herself as a young man named Ganymede, while Celia takes the identity of a shepherdess called Aliena. Meanwhile, Orlando, having been warned by the faithful servant Adam that his jealous older brother Oliver plans to kill him, also flees to the forest. In Arden, Orlando encounters “Ganymede” and, not recognizing his beloved Rosalind, agrees to cure his lovesickness by wooing the disguised young man as if he were Rosalind herself.

The forest becomes a place of romantic confusion and resolution, populated by various couples including the melancholy Jaques, the fool Touchstone (who pursues the country wench Audrey), and the shepherdess Phebe (who falls for “Ganymede” while spurning her devoted Silvius). The play’s complications multiply when Oliver arrives in the forest, transformed by Orlando’s heroic rescue of him from a lioness, and immediately falls in love with Celia. In the final act, Rosalind orchestrates the resolution of all romantic entanglements by revealing her true identity, leading to multiple marriages. Duke Frederick experiences a religious conversion and restores his brother to power, allowing the court characters to choose between returning to civilization or remaining in the pastoral world of Arden.