Here is the line-by-line modern paraphrase of Falstaff’s monologue from Henry IV, Part 2 (Act 3, Scene 2):

Original: As I return, I will fetch off these justices.
Modern: On my way back, I’m going to take advantage of these judges.

Original: I do see the bottom of justice Shallow.
Modern: I’ve completely figured out Justice Shallow — I can see right through him.

Original: Lord, Lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying!
Modern: Good Lord, how easily we old men fall into the habit of lying!

Original: This same starv’d justice hath done nothing but prate to me of the wildness of his youth and the feats he hath done about Turnbull Street;
Modern: This scrawny judge has done nothing but brag to me about how wild he was when he was young and the things he supposedly did around Turnbull Street;

Original: and every third word a lie, duer paid to the hearer than the Turk’s tribute.
Modern: and every third word out of his mouth was a lie, delivered more reliably than taxes paid to the Sultan.

Original: I do remember him at Clement’s Inn, like a man made after supper of a cheese-paring.
Modern: I remember him back at Clement’s Inn — he looked like someone had carved a man out of a thin slice of cheese rind after dinner.

Original: When ‘a was naked, he was for all the world like a fork’d radish, with a head fantastically carved upon it with a knife.
Modern: When he was undressed, he looked exactly like a forked radish with a funny little face carved into the top of it.

Original: ‘A was so forlorn that his dimensions to any thick sight were invisible.
Modern: He was so pathetically thin that someone with even slightly bad eyesight couldn’t really see him at all.

Original: ‘A was the very genius of famine; yet lecherous as a monkey, and the whores call’d him mandrake.
Modern: He was the living embodiment of starvation, and yet he was as lustful as a monkey — the prostitutes nicknamed him “mandrake” because he was so skinny and forked like the root.

Original: ‘A came ever in the rearward of the fashion, and sung those tunes to the overscutch’d huswifes that he heard the carmen whistle,
Modern: He was always behind on the latest fashions, and he would sing songs to the worn-out streetwalkers that he’d only heard cart drivers whistling,

Original: and sware they were his fancies or his good-nights.
Modern: and he’d swear up and down that those songs were his own original compositions or his own love songs.

Original: And now is this Vice’s dagger become a squire, and talks as familiarly of John a Gaunt as if he had been sworn brother to him;
Modern: And now this ridiculous little clown has become a country gentleman, and he talks about John of Gaunt as if they were the closest of friends;

Original: and I’ll be sworn ‘a ne’er saw him but once in the Tiltyard;
Modern: but I’d swear on my life he only ever saw him once, at a jousting tournament;

Original: and then he burst his head for crowding among the marshal’s men.
Modern: and even then he got his head cracked open for pushing his way into the official escort.

Original: I saw it, and told John a Gaunt he beat his own name;
Modern: I saw it happen myself, and I told John of Gaunt that Shallow had lived up to his own name — “gaunt” means thin, and Shallow beat a thin man;

Original: for you might have thrust him and all his apparel into an eel-skin;
Modern: because you could have stuffed Shallow and everything he was wearing into an eel’s skin;

Original: the case of a treble hautboy was a mansion for him, a court—
Modern: the small carrying case for a high-pitched oboe would have been like a palace, a whole estate to him —

Original: and now has he land and beeves.
Modern: and now he owns land and cattle.

Original: Well, I’ll be acquainted with him if I return;
Modern: Well, I’ll make sure to get close to him when I come back this way;

Original: and ‘t shall go hard but I’ll make him a philosopher’s two stones to me.
Modern: and I’ll work hard to make him worth twice a philosopher’s stone to me — meaning I’ll squeeze twice the gold out of him.

Original: If the young dace be a bait for the old pike, I see no reason in the law of nature but I may snap at him.
Modern: If a small young fish can be used as bait for a big old pike, then by the laws of nature I don’t see why I shouldn’t snap him up for myself.

Original: Let time shape, and there an end.
Modern: I’ll let things play out however they will — and that’s that.

Henry IV, Part Two - Summary of Events

The play opens with Rumour spreading false news that Hotspur has defeated King Henry IV at Shrewsbury. Northumberland soon learns the truth: his son Hotspur is dead, and the rebellion has failed. Despite his grief and calls from his allies to continue the fight, Northumberland eventually flees to Scotland. Meanwhile, the rebel leaders—the Archbishop of York, Lord Mowbray, and Lord Hastings—gather forces for a new uprising against the King.

Prince Hal continues his time in the taverns of Eastcheap with Falstaff, Mistress Quickly, Doll Tearsheet, and his companions. Falstaff, deep in debt and pursued by the Hostess for unpaid bills, manipulates his way out of trouble and is eventually called to join the King’s forces. The King himself is gravely ill and troubled by insomnia, burdened by guilt over how he obtained the crown. He laments that Hal remains irresponsible and fears for England’s future under his son’s rule.

In Gaultree Forest, Prince John of Lancaster meets with the rebels under a flag of truce. He promises to address their grievances, and the rebel leaders dismiss their armies. Once the rebel forces disperse, Prince John arrests the leaders for treason and orders their execution. When the dying King Henry hears of this victory and later finds Hal with the crown at his bedside (believing him dead, Hal had taken it), father and son reconcile. Henry dies, and Hal becomes King Henry V.

As the new king, Henry V publicly rejects Falstaff, who arrives expecting rewards and favor. The King banishes his former companion from his presence, promises him support at a distance, but makes clear their relationship is over. The Lord Chief Justice is retained in his position, and the new king prepares to rule England. The epilogue promises that the story will continue with Henry V’s wars in France and hints that Falstaff will appear again.