Original: Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?
Modern: Have I really lived long enough to be carried around in a basket like a cart full of slaughterhouse scraps and dumped into the river?

Original: Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year’s gift.
Modern: Well, if they play another trick like that on me, I’ll have my brains removed and buttered up to give to a dog as a New Year’s present.

Original: The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies, fifteen i’ the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down.
Modern: Those scoundrels dumped me in the river with as little guilt as they would have felt drowning a litter of fifteen puppies from a blind dog: and you can tell by looking at me that I’m quite good at sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell itself, I would sink right down to it.

Original: I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,—a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled!
Modern: I would have drowned, except the shoreline was rocky and shallow—a death that I hate the thought of; because water makes a man bloat up; and what a sight I would have been if I had swollen up!

Original: I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Modern: I would have looked like a mountain of preserved dead flesh.

In Act III, Scene 5 of “The Merry Wives of Windsor,” Falstaff encounters the Host of the Garter Inn, who informs him that Ford (still disguised as Brook) wishes to speak with him. When Ford arrives, he eagerly questions Falstaff about his promised rendezvous with Mistress Ford. Falstaff recounts his humiliating experience at Ford’s house, describing how he was forced to hide in a basket of dirty laundry and was subsequently dumped into the Thames River along with the foul-smelling clothes. He expresses his outrage at the treatment he received and his suspicion that someone betrayed his plans to Master Ford.

Despite his previous misfortune, Falstaff reveals that Mistress Ford has arranged another meeting with him, this time between eight and nine o’clock when her husband will be away from home. Ford, still maintaining his Brook disguise, encourages Falstaff in this pursuit while inwardly planning to catch his wife in the act of infidelity. Falstaff departs to prepare for his second attempt at seducing Mistress Ford, while Ford remains behind to soliloquize about his jealousy and his intention to expose what he believes will be his wife’s unfaithfulness. Ford plans to bring witnesses to discover Falstaff with his wife, confident that this time he will catch them together.

The Merry Wives of Windsor centers on the failed romantic schemes of Sir John Falstaff, who attempts to seduce two married women, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, believing he can gain access to their husbands’ wealth. Falstaff sends identical love letters to both women, not realizing they are close friends. When the wives discover his duplicitous plan, they decide to teach him a lesson by pretending to reciprocate his advances while setting elaborate traps to humiliate him.

The wives orchestrate three separate tricks against Falstaff. In the first, they arrange for him to hide in a laundry basket when Master Ford arrives home unexpectedly in a jealous rage, and Falstaff is dumped into the Thames along with the dirty laundry. In the second trick, he disguises himself as an old woman but is beaten by Ford, who despises the supposed witch. For the final humiliation, they convince Falstaff to meet them in Windsor Forest at midnight disguised as Herne the Hunter, complete with antlers, where local children dressed as fairies pinch and torment him.

Meanwhile, a subplot involves the courtship of Anne Page, daughter of Mistress Page. Three suitors compete for her hand: the wealthy but foolish Abraham Slender (favored by her father), the French physician Dr. Caius (preferred by her mother), and the young gentleman Fenton (whom Anne herself loves). The parents each secretly arrange for their preferred suitor to elope with Anne during the fairy masque in the forest. However, Anne outsmarts them all by eloping with Fenton instead, while Slender and Dr. Caius each accidentally run off with disguised boys. The play concludes with Falstaff thoroughly humbled, the Pages reconciled to their daughter’s choice of husband, and Master Ford cured of his jealousy through witnessing his wife’s virtue and wit.